HOW I DEALT WITH MY MISCARRIAGE

~ Sensitive Topic

I debated sharing this because there are so many in my life who don’t know this happened. Sadly, I had a miscarriage a few years back and I’ve never really been able to put the experience into words but here we are … I will do my best!

I remember being excited but nervous about my missed period. I didn’t say anything to my husband because I wanted to be sure. We had been trying for our baby and it was finally happening. A few weeks later I started having pains and heavy bleeding. My mind knew what was happening, but my heart and spirit wouldn’t believe it. This couldn’t be happening!! I had to know but it was later in the evening and going to the ER was the last thing I wanted.

I phoned one of my dear friends who is a PA (physician’s assistant). We went over my symptoms and he was very honest with me. “You can go to the ER, but they can’t do anything at this point. Your body will have to go through the process of ‘losing” the baby”. I WANTED TO DIE!!!!!!!

“I did this” – my very first thought! Why did this happen? I failed my husband. We will never have our baby. The negative thoughts came swooping in and they completely took over.

I sat on the edge of my bed, crying my eyes out and told my husband. He was hurt but unfortunately, he had experienced this in a previous relationship. Honestly, he didn’t offer much comfort because he didn’t understand what this meant to me. He hugged me and told me things would be ok but now I was angry because “how could he be so nonchalant about it”?

It took me a while to wrap my head around his reaction BUT I do understand.

Embarrassed, broken, insecure … me and my emotions were all over the place. Speaking about this was extremely difficult. Like a crazy person, I went to work the next day. Yes, I was in pain and yes my mind and emotions were overwhelming but staying at home crying wasn’t an option. Having to let my leadership know what happened wasn’t an option. Work served as a distraction.

Disclaimer: this is what I did for me. If you are in the second trimester (even the first honestly), please seek medical attention.

I told two people at work. They could see I wasn’t being myself. I received nothing but love and understanding and some pretty tight hugs (I am a hugger).

I didn’t call family or friends. This was something I needed to deal with and was going to deal with alone. This was driven by embarrassment and pride. Not one family member or friend would’ve made me feel worse but I just felt as if I needed to keep this to myself.

It took time to bounce back from this. I prayed about it a lot and finally came to understand a few things:

1. It wasn’t the right time
2. God had other plans for my life at that time
3. Our baby was coming, just not right now
4. IT WASN’T MY FAULT
   • This is the most important FACT about it all

These points may sound wild, cheesy, super religious, unbelievable … whatever, to some. To me, they made perfect sense and allowed for healing. Speaking with my mental health provider also helped.

I often wonder about what the baby would’ve been like and how different life would’ve been, but things happen for a reason. I believe this wholeheartedly! As much as this hurt, there was a reason.  Things happen on His time!

Some facts to remember:

• 10 – 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage
• Most people who experience a miscarriage have healthy pregnancies later
• There are many risk factors
  • You may not know you are at risk
  • Have honest conversations with your medical provider

So … very heavy topic! I’m sorry! I believe it’s important to have these discussions in order to help others.

If you have experienced this, my heart goes out to you. Please know you are not alone!

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!