From Healthy Pregnancy to NICU Mama

Having a baby in the NICU is HARD! Our 16 day adventure was exhausting in every way imaginable and it tested all of us.

I was in love with my baby from the moment I took those two pregnancy tests at work, and they came out positive. You see, David Sr and I had “tried” for 4+ years and when it finally happened it was such a  relief, it was exciting and incredibly emotional. I will share our road to pregnancy in a future post.

Weight gain happened pretty quickly with Jr but I was fine with it because the joy of being pregnant was all that mattered. Luckily, I was blessed to have a perfect pregnancy with him, just like I did with his sister. I never got sick! The only times I would feel off was when I smelled chicken (LOL). This boy hated chicken and eggs sometimes (and I love them both).

Sunday morning, the day after my baby shower, I woke up feeling as if I had peed myself. It was odd and I woke David Sr up freaking out a bit. He calmed me down and said maybe I had since I was just waking up. After using the bathroom and getting back in bed “it” happened again. I knew immediately that something was wrong. It was a rush of liquid and well, that’s not normal.

I called the amazing staff at Fort Belvoir (where I was supposed to deliver) and they asked me to go in immediately. We got ready, woke up my daughter and rushed to the hospital. They checked me and ran a test to see if I was losing amniotic fluid and after two tests, they told me I wasn’t going home until the baby was born.

I was crushed! It wasn’t time yet. He needed to bake longer. He still had another 6 weeks to grow. No, this couldn’t be happening. What did I do wrong? Is he going to be ok? My thoughts raced and I felt the weight of failing my baby, his daddy and sister. We all cried! What else could we do? We were so worried about little man. I comforted my family and asked them to stay positive as they left to go home and prepare for the hard week ahead.

After my first night, they told me I needed to be transferred to Walter Reed because my son would need to be in the NICU and they couldn’t provide the services he needed. I was transferred to Walter Reed and remained on bedrest until Jr arrived that Friday.

My mother flew out and stayed at the hospital with me since my husband had to stay home with my daughter and keep her in her routine with school. Being over an hour away due to traffic was hard and it made for very long nights for them.

Jr gave us a scare the day before he arrived. He decided he wanted to wiggle and rest in the breach position. My doctor told us to talk to him and pray because he if he didn’t turn again by the time they were ready to induce me, I would need to have a C-section. Everyone prayed and we all talked to little man and he listened. When the time came, the team came in and checked and he was ready to go.

I was induced and received my epidural with no excitement. We waited until it was time to welcome our little guy into the world. Things moved quickly … I pushed five times and Jr came flying into this world. He was taken to be checked and of course daddy cut the umbilical cord. I was able to hold him for what seemed like a brief second because they had to get him situated in the NICU. My husband left with him and didn’t leave his side. I joke with him about how he just left me there (I wouldn’t have had it any other way but I need to give him a hard time).

After getting cleaned up and resting for a little bit, I was finally able to see my baby. I cried so much when I saw him. Again, the feelings of failing him took over. I hated seeing him in his little incubator, hooked up to so many wires. There was so much to take in from the wires, the other babies, the machines and just knowing he had to stay there without us.

It’s odd because as overwhelmed as I was, I was happy … happy he was ok and getting all the care he needed. I was filled with so much love. Our baby had arrived, and he was perfect!

We stayed in the NICU for as long as we could. Leaving him was hard. Of course I stayed in the hospital for the next few days, which was great because I’d walk to the NICU as soon as visitors were allowed and stayed until they closed for the night. I was determined to spend every second with him.

My milk came in quickly (thankfully) and so we began our breastfeeding journey. He had some issues with latching at first but when he got the hang of it, we were golden. While he fed from one breast, I used this to catch milk from the other. I pumped so much milk when he wasn’t feeding, and it really helped me feel better during this time. I loved my pump!! It was quiet, small and easy to carry to and from work when I returned.

The day I was released was awful. I had to drive all the way home without my baby. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I cried and cried and cried some more. Again, the blaming!

For the next couple of weeks, I would wake up, get ready and head to the hospital to be with little man. The drive there was always fine because I was excited to see him but the drive home was always hard.

My mom went back home and my in laws drove out. Having our parents here was a true blessing. Moms helped with the house and the cooking and dad helped with the house and kept David Sr somewhat levelheaded.

Jr was released on a day that it was just me and my in laws visiting. We had obviously been waiting for this day since the day he arrived and when they said we could take him home, guess what I did? I cried … happy tears!! My father-in-law installed the car seat and drove us home. I sat in the back, holding my little man’s hand, grateful he was healthy and coming home.

LESSONS LEARNED

1. NICU nurses are literally angels! These wonderful humans are charged with caring for the most fragile and beautiful babies. The nurses taking care of Jr and the other babies were so incredibly sweet, understanding, patient and kind to all of us parents and family members. Our journey wouldn’t have been so smooth without these gentle souls.
2. Babies are strong. We see them as little and helpless, but these little guys are so strong and resilient. They fight every single day and although they don’t know it, they give their parents so much strength.
3. Ask questions! I bugged the staff with every little question I could think of. I would call to ask for updates when I wasn’t allowed to be there and again, the staff was incredibly kind.
4. Self-care is important! I failed miserably here. I was too concerned about my baby and being with him that I didn’t make any time for me. Take my word … baby will be just fine and is in great hands. Go do something just for yourself.
5. Your family needs you too. Another area I failed in miserably. My concern was Jr, and I was blind to how I neglected my husband and daughter during this time. They are hurting too … spend time with them.
6. Skin to skin contact is so important. Love on your baby as mush as possible. I would hold Jr for hours because it was beneficial for the both of us. I felt at ease holding him and I knew he needed the connection from us.
7. Eat and hydrate! Mama you can’t breastfeed or pump if you’re not feeding your body. Thankfully my body didn’t betray me when I was skipping meals and not taking care of myself.
8. Ask for help! It feels like you need to do it all but you don’t. Allow your spouse, family and/friends to tap in so you can take a break … you need this I promise.
9. Be honest about your feelings. Having a baby in the NICU is difficult. Your emotions will be all over the place and your mental health may take a hit also. ASK FOR HELP!!!
10. TAKE PICTURES!!!!!! Document the milestones and visits with your little fighter. After 4 years, I still look back at photos of when Jr was in the NICU and now they make me smile. Such a gorgeous little fighter.
11. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!! This one is hard right? How could this not be my fault? These things are out of our control and sometimes these babies are meant to arrive early. I started telling people Jr was ready to join his family and meet his awesome parents, so he came on his time.

I pray this helps my fellow NICU mamas … YOU are amazing!!